Final Week

We still have three squads seemingly vying for the last two spots. There are officially 3 teams that are eliminated (Shea, Bill, and Em) with Shea and Em facing off in their Superbowl to avoid a last place punishment we never agreed upon. Jeff clinched the #1 seed and will play the winner of the 4/5 seed matchup. For anyone that wants to take a tactical loss, the Sunday night game is Cowboys Eagles, and the Monday night game is Packers Giants so plan accordingly. I wouldn’t want to face Jeff, but I’m more concerned with weeks 14 and 15.

Here are your scenarios:

Jeff - Please knock Zach out of the playoffs, then kick back and relax on your honeymoon with a first-round bye.

Cody hates America - Effectively clinched the other first round bye, go ahead and take the week off. Only misses bye if loss and Steve win and Steve outscores you by >148.

The Underperformers - Win and in. Lose and in unless Steve (22 points back) and Alan (47) and Zach (81) win AND they all catch you in points for.

Da Bearers - Same as Cody, but everyone is ~8 points closer

Wide Titys Tied Biddies, JCS, Alan’s Weiners - All at 7-6, all facing playoff teams, two of these three get in. Points for standings: Steve, Alan (-5), Zach (-37)

Matchups

Formerly Bill’s Bitch (148.82) continues to dominate the league, this week performing well against Alans Seven Win Weiners (116.06). The Weiners started strong on Thursday night with Charbonet (16.9) scoring a TD in KW3’s absence. That was concurrently answered however by superstar CeeDee Lamb (32.6) for Jeff. Though Keenan Allen (10.8) and Breece Hall (10.5) had relatively low scoring games, Mike Evans (29.2) and Jalen Hurts (23.92) compensated. The Weiners were ultimately hurt by a trio of bad games from Adam Thielen (5.5), Curtis Samuel (10.5), and Kyler Murray (11.8). Murray actually outperformed expectations in a game with a low over/under and two rain delays. Curtis Samuel accumulated all his points in the first half as Sam Howell only completed 12 passes. It might be time to move on from Adam Thielen also who hasn’t scored more than 16 points since week 6. Rachaad White (19.6) and Chris Olave (16.9) were efficient through the air, but they couldn’t overcome the superstars from Formerly Bills Bitch.

The Underperformers (158.84) solidified their playoff spot this week against Cody hates America (102.3). Cody hates America were more rife with disappointment as 5 players were on bye. Gibbs (6.4) received little work (8 carries, 1 catch) as the Lions shot out to an early lead against the Saints. In comeback mode, however, Alvin Kamara (28.9) for Cody hates America scored twice on the ground and caught 6 passes. Thats about where the good times ended with Christian Kirk (3.6) injuring himself on his first catch of teh game and David Njoku (3.7) not seeing many Joe Flacco targets. The Underperformers on the other hand where anything but. Calvin Ridley (7.3) and Jaylen Warren (6.5) provided some meager point totals while the rest of the squad more than compensated. Brock Purdy (29.46) led the 49ers on six straight TD drives against the Eagles and DeVonta Smith (24.6) in comeback mode saw plenty of targets. Rookie TE Sam LaPorta (29) set the single game rookie TE receiving record with 140 yards on 9 catches. Yall should really be flaming me for trading away LaPorta instead. Even with Josh Allen on bye and Puke Nacua (23.9) on the bench, The Underperformers still scored >150 and are well setup for a playoff run.

Wide Titys Tied Biddies (147.06) were more top heavy than Team Tallman Urgent Care (122.92). Each team had 4 players score above 15 points, 3 above 20, and 1 above 30. Recently acquired Tyreek Hill (32.3) ran freely down the field against the Commanders on Sunday but wasn’t very necessary for the Dolphins with only 5 catches and an early lead. Also with 5 catches was Jaylen Waddle (10.2) for WTTB, though they weren’t nearly as valuable as Tyreek’s two bomb touchdowns. Tallman saw Tyreek’s 2 TDs and raised him one additional rushing TD for Deebo Samuel (35.8) who accounted for more points than the Eagles offense scored and Sunday and driving the Eagles DST to -6. Christian Watson (27.6) also went off against the Chiefs on Sunday night and in true Team Tallman Urgen Care fashion, injured his hamstring at the end of game. Not injured but producing like he had been was Cade Otton who on 61 snaps didn’t draw a single target against the Panthers. WTTB had their own disappointments in Rhamondre (2.9) who left early with an ankle injury, and Josh Downs (4.4) who saw only 5 targets after receiving 13 last week. Heading into Monday night, WTTB was down about 5.5 points but still had Joe Mixon left. With a backup QB on the road, it wasn’t impossible for Mixon to fail to produce, and even backup RB Chase Brown seemed to siphon carries away from Mixon with 9 of his own. The Bengals offense however was humming Monday as mixon saw 25 opportunities and 2 TDs putting Team Tallman to sleep early in the second quarter, even before his bedtime.

The Steagles (116.14) continue to ride into the sunset, knocking off Da Bearers (100.58) this week. Da Bearers were on upset alert early in the week on Thursday with the Cowboys DST (-3) forgetting how to play football and letting The Steagles’ DK Metcalf (37.4) walk all over them for 3 TDs, doubling his season total. On Sunday The Steagles saw three players exit with injuries (Carr - 8.94; Brian Robinson Jr. - 5.3; and Tank Dell - goose), while a 3rd failed to catch any of his 3 targets (Juwan Johnson). Bijan (10.9) also put forth a good effort against the Jets DST but didn’t score, unsurprisingly, with a 13-8 final score. Also in that game was Da Bearer’s Garrett Wilson (8) who drew and handful of targets late in the game to save a disasterous scoreline. The Dell injury opened up the passing game to funnel toward Nico Collins (34.1) who had a massive day, catching deep bomb after deep bomb and ending the game with 191 yards. Heading into Sunday night, Da Bearers had a QB and a RB left to play with a 29 point defecit. Fortunately, there were 3 such combinations in that game to combine for >29. Unfortunately for Da Bearers, Patrick Mahomes (13) and Aaron Jones (0) were not one of those combinations (Dillon ~9, Love ~23, Pacheco ~21). Da Bearers rolled the dice with Jones being questionable heading into Sunday night and decided to not chase a waiver player who likely wouldn’t have affected the outcome since Mahomes is not putting up the superstar numbers we’re used to. Steagles fun fact! : Here is a short list of reasons some Steagles players were not qualified for military service: eyesight, knees, ulcers, head injury (..but football was still ok), perforated eardrums, father, farmer, and “reason unkown”.

Jesus Christ Superstars (162.52) came up clutch against Token Female (150.28) in this week’s heavy-weight bout. Lets start with the duds as there were so few. For JCS, D’Andre Swift (4) saw limited work in a game where the Eagles fell far behind. Tee Higgins (6.6) was also slowly worked back into the Bengals offense for Token Female in his first game back from injury, and Justin Herbert (7.98) required only a single point for his team to snatch a victory in rainy Foxboro. Fun fact (as there were so few relevant players I feel this is the only place to mention it), The Patriots failed to score a single point, lost the game, but covered the +6.5 spread. Each team was rife with fantasy points as they combined for 15 touchdowns. The matchup was still tight heading into Monday night with a lead for Token Female and Higgins and Evan Engram to play, but facing Ja’Marr Chase and Trevor Lawrence. Though close, JCS pulled away for good on a 75 yard bomb TD to Ja’Marr. Token Female opted to start the Steelers DST (4) and leave the Falcons (16) on the bench, though starting the Falcons would have left her with a 0.24 point loss anyway.

Trades and Waiver Wire

We had one trade at the deadline

WTTB Alans Seven Win Weiners
Tyreek Hill James Cook
Rhamondre Stevenson Rachaad White
Tua Tagovailoa Lamar Jackson

Zeke was the highest bid getter at $48 going to the Weiners for $37. Jeff nabbed the Packers DST for $11 as they face the Carolina Panthers in week 16, then next time Jeff plays a relevant game.

Sit Your Superstar

Last week’s SYS was Matt Stafford. I think I just straight missed this one. Without Denzel Ward, the Brown’s pass defense was pourous and Stafford ended with 279 yards and 3 TDs. Should have went with one of the rainy games…

This week’s Sit Your Superstar is Nico Collins. Coming off a great week and now the number 1 target in the Texans offense, Collins should draw coverage from Sauce Gardener in a game where the Texans shouldn’t have to score much to beat a Zach Wilson-led offense. Zach Wilson led offenses have averaged 13.3 offensive points this year (including beating the Eagles 6, remember that?). Furthermore, heavy rain is in the forecast further dampening the passing game.

Weekly predictions

We went 2-3 this week for 34-31 overall. ESPN projections went 3-2 for 38-27 and probably putting me behind for good. This week’s winners are: Alan’s Seven Win Weiners, WTTB, The Steagles, Jeff, and The Underperformers which puts Alan and Steve in the last 2 spots.

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