Stick a fork in em

The Steagles have been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. Let it be known boys and girl that 9 losses is too many with 5 regular season matchups to go (and 3 full matchups before the trade deadline… wow really? that should probably be moved earlier next year). The Steagles have had 1304.72 scored against them which would rank 2nd in the leage in points for. To boot, The Steagles have scored a league-worst 1012.2 points which would rank 2nd least points against to the superior fantasy defenses of Alan’s Weiners (1001.64). The other 4 members of Shea’s division have at worst an ESPN estimated 82% chance at playoffs since they all sit at 6-3. We are approaching the parity we crave as well. The league’s longest active win streak is 3 (Da Bearers) and <100 points for separate 4th most and 8th most meaning each huge performance and start/sit decision become exponentially more important.

Matchups

Im a Tool (120.06) snuck past Alan’s Six Win Weiners (109.28). Both teams were relatively underperformers. It started Thursday night with the Tool throwing Will Levis (8.68) into the starting lineup due to a lack of belief in Dak Prescott (28.36) who he left on the bench. Their other QB Lamar (11.48) also didn’t help as well as Travis Kelce (4.4) who had one of his worst games in nearly 3 years. The Weiners saw a down game from the Tua (12.42) Reek (12.5) stack, though they did have decent games from Tyler Allgeier (11), Rhamondre (22.9), and $0 waiver acquisition Deshaun Watson (18.96). The difference in this game was the defense. The Giants for the Weiners were the lowest priced DST on draftkings which was wild given their matchup against Las Vegas who just fired their coach and had not hit their implied point total all year. Vegas got the new coach buff while the Giants were once again relegated to the 3rd string QB and the Giants scored -1. Meanwhile, Im a Tool ran with the Colts DST fresh off a -6 performance and haven’t been rostered all year. Naturally, they scored a pair of pick sixes against rookie Bryce Young and dropped 27 points. So what I’m trying to say here is I lost because I started Deshaun “Shit face” Watson and I deserved to lose. Thanks Bill.

Da Bearers (144.7) secured the auto win this week against The Underperformers (128.64). Da Bearers were a story of consistency, as all but a single player scored between 13 and 23 points (that single player being DJ Moore - 5.4). JT (17.9) looks retrospectively like a steal in the draft as his snap percentage rose above 75% this week, and Derrick Henry (19.2) appears to not be erased by the loss of Tannehill. The Underperformers actually had an above league average performance this week led by Jonnu “Falcons TE1” Smith (21), Diontae Johnson (22), and Josh Allen (24.72). The Underperformers are starting to get some production from DeVonta Smith (14.1), but are lacking from Puka (6.2) thanks to the Stafford injury. They ate 4 bye weeks from 2 starters and 2 flex options this week though so things are still trending up for the Underperformers.

Cody hates America (139.3) was a true American this week; earning 60% more than the office Token Female (86.54). Token Female suffered a string of duds with Herbert, Adams, Pacheco, and Dillon scoring <7.4 points. Jakobi Meyers (13.5) survived the week thanks to a 27 yard rushing TD but the Raiders passing game was largely unecessary in their beatdown of the Giants. I do think Tee Higgins (19) fringe WR1 season is also on the way as the Bengals passing game heats up with a healthy Joe Burrow. 86 points total though isn’t enough especially when rookie CJ Stroud (41.8) accounts for nearly half that total. Cody hates America also saw big games from Josh Jacobs (21.8) and Stefon Diggs (22.6). With 86.2 points from those three players alone, Cody hates America needed only scrape together some other ragtag performances to pull out a victory, something they needed with 4 players on bye and JJ still on IR.

Bill’s Bitch (142.18) took care of business this week against The Steagles (124.86). The Steagles can’t catch a break. Despite great games from 4 different players (AJ Brown, Burrow, Dalton Schultz, and Derek Carr), there were three separate duds. Bijan (5.9) was seemingly punished for fumbling in the 3rd quarter, but still had limited production before that point. Chris Godwin (3.6) could only bring in 2 of his 6 targets, and DK Metcalf (1 catch for 50 yards) was a victim of a dismal overall performance from the Seahawks. Bill’s Bitch sat two QBs (Pickett/Minshew) in leui of rookie Jordan Addison (10.2). Luckily for Jeff, 5th round rookie QB Jaren Hall was injured early and Addison had the pleasure of Joshua Dobbs slinging him the ball despite not taking a single practice snap. CeeDee (28.1) had a second consecutive huge game and the rest of the squad chipped away en route to 142 points and a win. Steagles fun fact! The Steagles’ placekicker and punter Troy Smith had a prosthetic leg. Man these have become the highlight of writing this segment.

In this week’s toilet bowl, Jesus Christ Superstars? (87) sent Team Tallman Urgent Care (78,5) spiraling down the drain. There wasn’t much good in this matchup so lets start there. JCS had a monster 22.1 points from Jake Ferguson (still TE12 on the year) and a respectable 17.7 points from Sam Howell. Team Tallman nearly matched the TE performance with 16.1 from Dalton Kincaid and 4 combined TDs from their RBs (Ekeler - 21; Gus Bus 17.2). Gus Edwards was banged up with a toe injury and subsequently only received 5 rush attempts. Luckily for Team Tallman, he converted those into 52 yards and 2 TDs. Unluckily for Tallman he also saw a combined 6.7 points from his QBs and another injured WR (Christian Watson - 4.7). JCS matched with close to as long of a list of duds led by George “One catch” Pickens and Ja’Marr “Drops a TD” Chase (8.1).

Trades and Waiver Wire

The trade well has seemingly run dry… someone take Watson off my god damn team or tell Justin Fields to stop sucking his thumb.

We had some big spenders on waivers this week as Da Bearers dropped $54 combined hoping to keep their winstreak alive. The Steagles respectfully are still at it trying to play spoiler and added Tank Dell for $15 and the Seahawks for $2. Hold on.. wait he plays me this week, I rescind my respect.

Sit Your Superstar

Last week’s SYS was Kenneth Walker who scored 2.7 points. I did start him in a different league so I’m not sure I can take a full victory lap (though my replacement in that league was Kendre Miller - 4.1).

This week’s Sit Your Superstar is Joe Burrow who may be without both Ja’Marr Chase (back) and Tee Higgins (hamstring). Joe is good enough to get the job done with anyone, but against the Texans this week I think the Bengals will be able to lean on the running game at home.

Weekly predictions

We went 3-2 again this week for 25-20 overall. ESPN projections went a perfect 5-0 for 23-22. This week’s winners are: Alan’s Six Win Weiners, Da Bearers, Im a Tool (please start Dak), The Underperformers, and Team Tallman Urgent Care

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