Thirty Burgers

Every winner this week had at least a single player score more than 30 points. The lack of parity grows also, as four teams sit with >90% chance at the playoffs, with the other 6 teams sitting at 2-3 or worse

SaQuads (61pts.. yea you read that right) took a week off against BooBoo SmithShloopster (110pts) SaQuads forgot to check the injury report and started Dalvin Cook. A pair of injuries to Saquon Barkley (0.9pts) and Maxx Williams (2.4pts) didn’t help. Not like it mattered since only two of their players scored above 10 (Joe Burrow and Damien Williams). Though there were a few big performances on the bench, even perfect start/sit decisions couldn’t save SaQuads. King Henry showed up for SmithShloopster as he always does against the Jaguars with 3 TDs and 31 points. SmithShloopster ended up only needed their top three scorers to win this week (Kyler, Henry, and Jefferson). Maybe the injury to JuJu will throw off Tayler’s mojo, but he remains undefeated still.

The only real exciting matchup of the week was between two 1-3 teams Los Gatos and Team Jeff. Team Jeff looked to have things sealed up going into Monday Night Football, needing Mark Andrews to score less than 33 points. Deep into the third quarter, Andrews was still sitting at about 13 points, but then came a pair of touchdowns from Andrews with less than 10 minutes in the 4th quarter. This sealed the Monday night miracle for Los Gatos and the Ravens who trailed by 16 points with 12 minutes left in the 4th quarter and came back to win in overtime.

Meme Team (160pts) took down Token Female (108pts), but still didn’t score the most points of the week, so who’s the real loser here?. Two touchdowns by Zeke and Mike Evans coupled with a huge game from Davante Adams helped Meme Team drop so many points. Going into Monday night, Token Female only had 57pts with Watkins and Lamar yet to play. 46pts from Lamar saved Token Female from an embarassing score line like 61 points or something. I mean who could score that few points? Interestingly, Token Female had 2 QBs score more than 46 points (Justin Herbert). Perfect start/sit decisions could have given her the win with Myles Gaskin (32pts), Bill DST (16pts.. against the Chiefs), and Marquez Callaway (24.5pts including a hail mary) balling out on the bench. Fun fact, Myles Gaskin averaged 8 points per game before Week 5 and is now the RB19, still only averaging 13 points per game. It seems the running back cliff gets steeper every year.

Afghanistan Feminists (179pts) dropped the highest score of the week against Seven Eleven (102pts). Their lowest scorer was the Panthers defense at 11 points. 5 TDs from Tom Brady (42pts) and 4 TDs across Kamara and Hollywood Brown (29pts,33.5pts respectively) contributed to the huge day for the Feminists. Seven Eleven at least put up 100 points. Not break 100 would be really embarassing. Their team was pretty average, but if I were to pick a week to have by team be average, it would be the one where I face the week’s high point scorer. Kudos for having the foresight to pick up the electric Kadarius Toney (29.6pts). I myself had him in some DFS lineups, but unfortunately I stacked him with Danny “concust baby deer” Jones. Someone should trade Dave for Kyle Pitts so he stops trying to trade Pitts to me for Dalvin Cook. I ain’t trading Cook yall.

Josh Gordon is a winner! Shout out to the Zach White Football Team (130pts) for starting Flash Gordon. Even though he only caught one pass for 11 yards, it was only 4 points below the best replacement on the ZWFT bench (Darnell Mooney; 6.5pts) and it didn’t cost ZWFT the week. Daniel Jones’ concussion didnt’ help Dimes Szn Danny Juice (103pts) though they still score more than 100 points. Good, that would have been embarassing if they couldn’t crack 100. Though Danny Juice had “Awesome Excellent” Austin Ekeler (33pts), ZWFT’s Jonathan Taylor responded Monday night with a 31.9 night of their own aided by a >80 yard TD pass early Monday night.

Broken PPs (73pts, under 100, how embarassing) had their titties tickled by Titty Tickler (144pts). Titty Tickler got great games from Mike Williams (36pts) and Robert Woods (27pts). The Ticklers’ bench also balled out, combining for 125 points. Interestingly, Travis Kelce hit their projection exactly at 17.7pts. Broken PPs struck again with an injury to Russell Wilson (11.6pts). Their highest scoring player was Darrell Henderson (17pts!), with half the team sitting in the single digits.

Trade recap / Waiver Wire

Three trades this week

“Seven Eleven” “ZWFT”
Receives CeeDee Lamb Receives Antonio Gibson
Receives Patrick Mahomes Receives Josh Allen
“Dimes Szn Danny Juice” “Broken PPs”
Receives Jared Cook Receives Noah Fant
Receives Zack Moss Receives Diontae Johnson
Receives Michael Thomas Receives Mike Davis
“Meme Team” “Team Jeff”
Receives Melvin Gordon Receives Mike Gesicki
Receives Calvin Ridley Receives Hunter Renfrow
Receives Miles Sanders Receives Clyde Edwards-Helaire
Receives Kenneth Gainwell Receives Terry McLaurin

Shoutout to Afghanistan Feminists for paying $14 for Brandon Bolden when no one else bid for him. Interestingly, the Feminists dropped Allen Robinson and three teams bid $11,$4, and $1 for with Los Gatos winning the auction.

Predictions update

For every matchup this season, I will pick a winner and keep track of ESPN’s projected winner. ESPN’s projected winner will be updated after the week in case of last minute substitutions, but I will make my picks based on starting roster each Wednesday.

Week 3 I went 1-5 (ouch) for a total of 13-17. ESPN also went 3-3 and sits at 18-12. Here are my Week 5 winners: “SaQuads”, “Los Gatos”, “Meme Team”, “Token Female”, “Team Jeff”, and “BooBoo SmithShloopster”

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