Howdy fuckers. Bet you didn’t think you’d hear from me this week. To be honest I planned to skip weeks 1 & 2, but why miss a chance to talk about myself?

I promise I will get to the matchups, and here is a “jump to recipe” link if this poop will be quick.

On Sunday, Jess and I departed Pittsburgh for a five -year anniversary trip to Greece. Our first flight departed PIT at 12:20pm and didn’t land until 1:35 in JFK. I signed up for a free trial of SiriusXM thinking I could pay for the inflight wifi and listen to the Steelers game, but decided I could miss the first quarter. Upon landing I finally got a signal and tuned in just in time for Deshone Elliot’s interception and the wizard’s 57 yard FG. The next flight left at 3:25. I paid for the inflight wifi on this one, but the signal was so weak I couldn’t even stream the radio.

We landed in Athens at 8am local time, caught the train to the city center, and spent the day exploring historical landmarks. My personal favorites were the Parthenon and the prison of Socrates. Socrates is one of my favorite philosophers because he reminds me so much of Steve.

The next morning we woke up at 5am local time (10pm eastern) to catch a flight to Crete so there was plenty of time for me to see the 49ers continue to prove they are a cut above the rest of the league. Jess and I toured and olive farm, samples plenty of the local delicacy raki, and snorkeled around Dia island peering pottery shards dating back to Minoan civilization. Now, we are on a 2 hour ferry to Santorini and I don’t have a window seat so I have some time to kill.

To avoid international phone charges, I’m running off wifi only so before I left the Airbnb I screenshotted the matchups for some quick writeups. I watched literally zero plays this week except for the Thursday and Saturday games and only screenshotted the starters so you won’t get called out for bad start/sit decisions.

Matchups

120 in My Lambo (107.62) edged out the Goffballs (107.2) in what’s been deemed “the .42 cuckening”. Each team struggled this week with only a single player cracking 25 points (Lamar for Goffballs and Mixon for 120imL). The big start/sit decision for 120imL was Ja’marr Chase or Danny Dimes since Chase practiced with the Bengals only 3 times since last season ended. Keith and I went with Jones because of the contract holdout and the strength of the Pats defense. It ended up costing us 3 points. I’ve been a Jones apologist in the past, not because I think he’s good, but because I think he’s the league’s punching bag and people undervalue him. I can’t tell you what happened here because I didn’t watch any of it but less than 200 yards and 2 picks ain’t good. The Goffballs had a tough break with Puka Nacua injuring his knee in the first half (so says Twitter, IDK I didn’t watch). Keith let me know Mike was feeling good late in the Rams game especially as it went to OT, yet David Montgomery apparently took over and decided to win the damn thing himself leaving the Goffballs stuck in the loss column to start the year by about 10.5 passing yards.

Team Jeff (140.1) beat down PeePeePoo123 (85.52). PPPP123 apparently didn’t draft any RBs so they rolled into week 1 with Najee Harris (8.9) and Tyler Allgeier (2.1). Marvin Harrison Jr.’s disappointing NFL debut (1 catch for 4 yards) contributed to the low score but lucky for them, no start/sit decisions affected this one. Team Jeff managed double digit scores for everyone except Jake Ferguson (4.5). Mike Evans (23.1) caught a pair of TDs against what I think will be the best defense to target for fantasy football in the league in the Commanders. A flurry of TDs from across the roster leaves Team Jeff with a W and only 1 more sexual assault allegation so not bad all said and done.

The Bear (110.24) snuck of an opening victory against RIP Kirko Chainz (99.02). RIP Kirko Chainz were coincidentally led by the Bears DST (27) scoring the same amount of TDs as the rest of their starters combined QBs included (2 total). The Bear’s persistant faith in JK Dobbins (22.9) over the last 3 years finally seems to have paid off. Holding on to Isaiah Pacheco (15.8) didn’t seem to hurt either. ARSB (4.3) had on of the worst games of his career this week. I’m curious if the Rams have a shut down slot corner, if he was game planned out like it seems MHJ was, or if the Rams run defense is going to be very bad this year. Some may see this as evidence the Lions won the Goff trade, but I see it similar to the Bills Diggs trade where both sides got what they wanted, and the Rams are the ultimate winners until the Lions win a Superbowl.

Hamas Rockets (128.64) blew up Token Female (101.32). Inside sources tell me the Hamas Rockets monicker may leave us soon so that might have been my last chance at that play on words. “Josh Allen is good at football” has rung true ever since that Diggs trade and was backed up this week as he dropped 31.18 points in a comeback victory over the Cardinals (so says Twitter I didn’t watch). Cooper Kupp (32) also feasted in the absence of Puka. Few bodly start defenses against good teams as often as Jeremy does but it didn’t cost him much this week (Baltimore DST 3 points). Token Female saw a pair of disappointments at WR in Brandon Aiuyuk (4.8) and Christian Kirk (4). Aiuyuk earned ~$800k per catch this week. Stefon Diggs may not be washed after all (IDK I didn’t watch the game) as he hauled in a pair of TDs against the Colts (21.9). The Dallas DST dropped 20 points against the alleged rapist but it wasn’t enough to break the man’s leg, not secure a victory for all Token Females out there.

Mr. Big Chests (159.78) flexed over LaPorta’s Pussies (110.48) and the entire league with their season-leading week. Drafting QBs late led to the highest combined score between QBs on the week (Baker 29.66 / Darnold 15.62; actually didn’t do the math but it has to be). MBC saw a TD from all starters sans the defense and Trey McBride (8). Starting TE scoring actually sucked this week as 8 was only slightly behind the top TE performance for a starter this week. LPP gave their best effort with Saquons magnificent Eagles debut (33.2) and a rare TD from Kyle Pittsburgh (11.8; my phone auto corrected and I’m rolling with it). Jordan Love (17.4) was denied a chance at the game-winning Hail Mary when he was rolled up on appearing to roll his ankle (I did actually watch this one). High ankle sprains usually knock a player out 2-6 weeks, but the optimistic Packers chose not to place him on injured reserve, suggesting he’ll miss less than 4 games. It could be a shaky start to the year for the winless Packers as is the case for LPP.

my z_score = 133.42; my opp_score = 119.8; my wins=0; if (z_score > opp_score) { wins++; }. Good on Paper invested in highly drafted QBs Jalen Hurts (18.42) and AR (27.08) who paid off this week. Their starting RBs (Gibbs 17.4 / Pollard 18.4) also dropped solid scores though the water wasn’t deep enough to lift the sinking ships of their starting WRs. Pittman, Olave, and Dell combined for 19.1 points which was almost matched by Nico Collins (17.7). The real story of ZWC however was rookie Jayden Daniels who rushed over 10 times for > 80 yards and 2 TDs. Boy did he look electric (that’s actually a question IDK I didn’t watch the game). I did watch Derrick Henry (10.6) appear unstoppable in the Raven offense early in the game before they seemed to abandon the run game very early last Thursday. Stopping the option between Henry and Lamar is a tall task, but the Ravens o-line appeared dismal in pass blocking. Maybe Chris Jones is just that dud though. Henry got enough done early in the game however to increments Zach’s win column. If Zach keeps the naming convention I plan to increment him every week in a different coding language. Extra credit for guesses.

Waivers

No idea, I’m on a boat without wifi. I peeked on Tuesday and no one tickled my fancy so I stopped paying attention.

Predictions

I went perfect in predictions this week. Is that the first time for this league?! Next week’s winners will be; Me of course since I’ll be on a beach in Paros sipping Mediterranean wine and snacking on fresh Feta, PeePeePooPoo123, Hamas Rockets, The Bear, Goffballs, and MBC.

Thank you all for getting me through this Ferry ride. The water is choppy and I get sea sick easily so I’m glad I didn’t end up like the fellow a row over who spewed breakfast all over himself and few stranger’s bags. “Poor buggah” as the Aussies in front of me exclaimed. Poor buggah indeed.

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